Most separated couples try to reunite again after a period of time. Reuniting with the right mindset could actually be a good idea. Science has an explanation. We’ve compiled a short-list of rules for getting back together with your ex.
What a power your ex has! Can there be anything more alluring than The One That Got Away? Not likely.
Don’t forget that life is not like Sex and the City (Carrie and Big), Friends (Ross and Rachel), or Grey’s Anatomy (Meredith and McDreamy).
The appeal is real… you didn’t do anything wrong: While you probably disbanded for a very valid reason, it’s quite normal to want to rekindle an old flame.
David Klow, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Skylight Counseling Center in Chicago, says humans are wired for attachment as well as for new experiences. Many of us jump at the chance to reunite with a former lover if it means we can have the best of both worlds.
“We are wired to crave attachment and new experiences, so many of us jump at the chance to have both.”
The truth is, getting back together with an ex is easier than spending hours swiping through Bumble (and going on lousy dates). It takes time to get to know someone new, says relationship expert Michelle Attalox, PhD, a professor at Oakland University in Michigan.
With an ex, we already know what we like and dislike, as well as how they behave. It’s still possible to have success with a second attempt, Klow says, but you need to approach it correctly. Here’s how to get back together with your ex without getting into a complete tangle.
You may also like: The 5 Official Stages of a Breakup (Plus 5 Secrets to Getting Over It Fast)
1. Take it slow.
Yes, I know. There’s texts! And dinners! There’s sex! It’s exciting that you’re seeing the ex again. Now, before you go posting couples pics all over Instagram and jumping into double dates with their parents, take a minute to relax.
Klow says it can be incredibly helpful to slow down and take a breath before slapping a label on things again (obviously…who can study that?). The reason? You have to take time to think it over…
2. Think about what really matters to you.
This is your chance to put everything on the line, so don’t be afraid of getting real (like, really real) about what you want out of a relationship. Ask yourself what qualities you want from a partner, as well as what your expectations are in a relationship.
Is there anything big that your partner has not been able to accomplish before? This is an important question to be able to answer before reconciling. For instance, did they take you for granted initially? Are they unfamiliar with your love language? It’s all fixable with a second attempt.
But if you feel that their goals and values don’t quite align, that is a different story. (Maybe you’re very ambitious but they’re fine working at their dad’s company with no plans to move up or take the company over someday—and that’s not going to change tomorrow.)
You should also consider your deal breakers. Tell your former partner about your expectations, and ask him or her to do the same and share the list with you, Attalox says. All couples should do this together, but it’s particularly important if you’re reuniting with an ex. Honesty and openness are essential.”
3. Treat it as a new beginning in an old relationship
“You know each other and have dated each other, but time changes people,” Attalox says. “So get to know your ex-partner again, ask them questions, and see how they feel.”
While this is the rekindling of an old relationship, it is not a new one, says WH advisor Dr. Carmichael, PhD, clinical psychologist and best-selling author.
When you get back together with an ex, you need to try to separate fact from fiction and the past from the present. Ask yourself if some of the beliefs you have about them now are based on what they’re saying now or what they were like when you were dating and things were good.
4. Consider asking for help
If you’re trying to get your ex back, be sure not to mess things up. Asking for help from a specialist before you make any rash decisions is a good idea and you should watch these two video tutorials before you commit to anything.
Because there is no universal method that can apply to both sexes, these two videos are adapted specifically for Men’s and Women’s needs.
Here is the video tutorial if you want to get HER back. And here is the video tutorial if you want to get HIM back.
