Before I started helping others strengthen their self-belief for a living, I made the same mistake most people do.
I thought it meant walking into a room like you owned it.
But once you actually understand how to build confidence and self esteem, you realize it has nothing to do with acting fearless.
That wasn’t real confidence.
That was me overcompensating.
I looked calm on the outside, but my mind was sprinting marathons.
I worried I’d mess up a pitch.
Say the wrong thing.
Not be good enough.
One of my clients, Jenna (not her real name), once told me, “I’m confident until I actually have to talk.” That hit a nerve.
If you’re trying to figure out how to build confidence and self esteem, but something still feels off—you’re not broken.
You’re just building it backwards.
Confidence and self-esteem aren’t about pretending—they’re about alignment, trust, and truth.
Top Takeaways
Before we go deeper, here are 5 unexpected truths about confidence you’ll want to remember for life:
- Congruence beats confidence – You don’t need to be louder, just aligned. Clarity is more magnetic than charisma.
- Connection trumps competence – Chasing achievements won’t fix impostor syndrome if you’re disconnected from your core truth.
- Embodiment unlocks courage – You can’t affirm your way to self-worth if your body still feels unsafe being seen.
- My personal take – Over-prepping is like rearranging chairs on a sinking ship. Confidence starts when you trust your own weight.
- Spot your self-worth saboteur – A 30-second diagnostic reveals the real reason your self-belief never sticks (hint: it’s hidden).
Confidence Without Clarity Is Just Acting Brave (Until You Break)
Most people confuse confidence with charisma, or just being good at bluffing in social settings.
But real confidence isn’t loud.
It’s not always outgoing.
And it’s not tied to physical appearance, body image, or charm.
“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” — Lao Tzu
What actually builds a healthy level of self-confidence?
Inner clarity.
When your thoughts, choices, and behavior align with who you really are, you stop second-guessing yourself.
You stop chasing applause in tough situations—and more importantly, you stop stop chasing energy that doesn’t even matter to you.
That’s what I teach clients: to drop the performance and build identity from the inside out.
And when they’re caught in overthinking, I point them to this 3-step mindset guide that helps silence the noise and create internal clarity fast.
That’s when self-worth becomes something you live—not something you chase.
Tip: You don’t need to “be confident.” You need to be congruent—and confidence will follow like a shadow.
The 3 C’s of Self-Esteem (And the 1 That Actually Moves the Needle)
You’ve probably heard about the 3 C’s: Competence, Confidence, Connection.
They’re all important—but one is everything.
Most people trying to figure out how to build confidence and self esteem chase competence like it’s going to save them.
They pack their résumé, get more degrees, stack awards like Jenga blocks.
Then they wonder why they still feel like impostors in professional life.
It’s because the real “C” they’re ignoring is inner connection.
The kind that doesn’t rely on public speaking skills or external feedback.
One of my mentees, Maria, had a killer track record in her academic life—but still carried the fear of failure every time she was asked to lead.
Once she started practicing daily check-ins with herself—replacing old phrases to avoid like “I’m not ready” with “What do I actually want?”—her posture changed.
Her voice steadied.
She began radiating that positive self-esteem we all crave.
Tip: If you feel off, ask yourself: “Which C am I faking right now?” The answer will guide your next step.
You Can’t Think Your Way Into Confidence (Here’s What Works Instead)
Most advice about confidence starts with mindset.
Think positively.
Say nice things to the mirror.
Repeat positive statements until you believe them.
But if your nervous system feels unsafe, those affirmations won’t stick.
Here’s what actually works: anchoring your confidence in the body.
During a mindfulness retreat in Lisbon, I realized I wasn’t afraid of failing.
I was afraid of feeling like a failure—of being judged, of the shame in my chest, of being misunderstood.
Confidence isn’t just thoughts—it’s physical.
It’s in your breath, your shoulders, your posture.
That’s why time in nature, movement, and how to stop caring what others think through body-awareness practices actually work.
They give your body permission to feel safe being seen.
Want another trick?
Try standing tall, looking someone in the eye, and saying what you really mean.
Watch your body language transform how you feel.
Tip: Get out of your head and into your body. Confidence lives in your spine—not your spreadsheet of goals.
The Real Reason Confidence Collapses in High-Stakes Moments
Why does confidence vanish the moment it matters?
One client at our Bali retreat—let’s call her Tasha—nailed every low-stakes interaction.
In group circles, she was the warmest voice in the room.
But the second she was praised for something… she’d shut down.
Her voice got small.
Her body folded inward.
Turns out, praise hit the same wound as rejection.
When you don’t understand how to build confidence and self esteem from the inside out, it’s easy to tie your worth to someone else’s reaction.
This shows up in difficult relationships, social validation loops, or even a buried fear of conflict you’ve never named out loud.
Confidence breaks not because you’re weak—but because the moment reminds your nervous system of a time you weren’t safe being seen.
This is why charismatic people aren’t always confident people.
Tip: If confidence collapses in high-stakes moments, it’s not fear—it’s familiarity. Heal what the moment reminds you of.
Confidence Isn’t Earned—It’s Practiced (And You’re Probably Practicing the Wrong Thing)
Most people don’t build confidence.
They build people-pleasing.
They say “yes” when they want to scream “no.”
Then they smile to keep the peace in difficult situations.
And rehearse politeness like it’s a personality.
But guess what?
That’s a practice.
So is confidence.
Back when I was building my first business—living in tiny apartments across Manila and Milan—I kept practicing approval-seeking.
Clients liked me, sure, but I was addicted to external validation.
I couldn’t breathe unless I felt wanted.
The shift came when I stopped asking, “Will they like this?” and started asking, “Does this feel like me?”
That one sentence redefined my outlook on life.
Now?
I practice micro-reps of honesty.
Boundaries.
Speaking the truth kindly, but clearly.
Not perfection—just alignment.
Tip: What you practice, you get good at. If you’re practicing self-abandonment, don’t be surprised if confidence feels out of reach.
The Identity Flip That Changes Everything (It’s Not About “Becoming” Confident)
Let’s kill the myth that confidence is something you “earn” through achievements or external milestones.
The idea that you have to become confident is the trap.
It keeps you chasing a version of yourself you think you should be—based on your body image, your résumé, your ability to shine in social situations.
But confidence isn’t a costume.
It’s a return to the you that existed before the fear.
When I interview clients, the biggest breakthroughs often sound like: “I just realized I’m not broken. I’ve just been overcompensating.”
Exactly.
The shift happens when you stop trying to get confidence and start remembering what already belongs to you—so you can manifest real change from a place of truth.
Confidence is the natural outcome of dropping the mask.
Want backup?
A ScienceDirect study found self-esteem is more sustainable when it’s based on values, not appearance or performance.
Tip: Don’t try to become confident. Try to become honest. Confidence will meet you there.
The Confidence-Draining Habit You Probably Think Is Productive
One of the biggest traps I see—especially among high-functioning, smart people—is over-preparing to feel “ready.”
You want to ace the interview.
Impress your date.
Crush that meeting.
So you rehearse.
Re-edit.
Over-research.
And it feels like progress.
But here’s the truth: Over-prepping is a confidence cover-up.
It’s a form of procrastination disguised as professionalism.
It signals that you don’t trust yourself to show up as you are—which slowly chips away at your self-respect.
I’ve coached dozens of people stuck in this loop.
One woman—let’s call her Elise—kept delaying her podcast launch because she thought she needed “one more course” to sound like an expert.
What she really needed?
To trust that her life experiences, not her script, were enough.
Want to build a healthier relationship with self-worth—like the habits of a confident woman who isn’t over-explaining or overworking to prove herself?
Start practicing before you’re perfect.
That’s what confident people do.
Tip: Every time you over-prepare, ask: “What fear am I trying to outrun?” That’s where your real work begins.
Why I Recommend This Free Guide to Anyone Who Can’t Work With Me 1-on-1
Some stories I hear from readers stop me cold.
Like the single dad who said he couldn’t speak up in meetings because he was still hearing his mom’s voice from childhood—“Don’t embarrass us.”
Or the woman who said she didn’t feel worthy of positive self-esteem unless she was constantly “useful.”
These are the stories I carry with me.
Because not everyone has access to coaching.
And not everyone needs a therapist to make a shift.
Sometimes, all you need is the right tool to start turning self-criticism into clarity.
When I can’t work 1-on-1 with someone, I send them this:
3 Steps to Cure Your Inner Critic — a free, science-backed guide that helps transform negative inner talk into real momentum.
Backed by research cited in Psychology Today, this process helps retrain your mind to choose self-trust over self-doubt.
If you’ve ever spiraled after a mistake—or felt paralyzed by the fear of judgment in high-pressure conversations—start here with smarter communication tricks.
Tip: When you can’t trust your inner voice, borrow mine. I made this tool for people like you.
This Quiz Uncovered a Confidence Block Hiding in Plain Sight
One of my coaching clients—we’ll call her Bri—seemed like the definition of high-functioning.
Smart.
Charismatic.
Always busy.
But she came to me exhausted.
She said, “I’m doing everything right, but I still feel like I’m failing.”
We talked, and I had a hunch what was going on.
So I sent her the 30-Second Success Blocker Quiz
Two minutes later, she messaged me:
“I didn’t realize how much I equate ‘rest’ with ‘worthlessness.’”
That one insight changed how we approached everything—from her self-talk to her schedule.
And she’s not alone.
I recommend this quiz to readers who feel stuck but can’t quite name why—because it exposes patterns you’re too close to see.
It’s quick. It’s sharp. And it’s shockingly accurate.
Tip: If you’ve been stuck on repeat, stop guessing. Let the quiz show you what’s hiding underneath.
Conclusion: You’re Not Broken—You’ve Just Been Taught the Wrong Blueprint
The truth about how to build confidence and self esteem?
You’ve probably been taught to chase the surface stuff—louder voice, firmer handshake, better posture.
But real confidence starts with congruence.
It lives in those quiet moments where your inside matches your outside.
When you stop pretending.
When you start practicing truth instead of performance.
That’s what I’ve seen work again and again—with clients, community members, and even in my own mirror.
So if you’re still struggling, and wondering what it really takes to be more charismatic, don’t shame yourself.
Just try a better blueprint.
And if you’re ready to figure out what’s actually blocking you?
Take the 30-Second Quiz and see what shows up.
You might just surprise yourself.
