How To Deal With an Avoidant Partner (14 Real Fixes That Actually Work—From Years of Studying Why They Pull Away)

Some couples look like they’re playing chess blindfolded—intimate moves, no eye contact, always planning five exits ahead. That’s what it feels like when you’re figuring out how to deal with an avoidant partner. I saw it unfold at a relationship seminar—two seats down, a woman asked, “Why does he shut down every time I show I care?” Her voice didn’t crack, but the silence did.

That question isn’t rare. It’s a pattern I’ve seen across cultures, in interviews, in late-night conversations that leave more questions than answers.

Later, I’ll share what her story revealed—and why your relationship might depend on seeing it too.

Still wondering what dynamic you’re caught in? This breakdown of relationship types might hit home.

Top Takeaways

Before we get into the guts of it, here are 5 real truths about avoidant love that’ll stick with you for life.

• You’re not the cure — When their detachment feels personal, remember: they’re wrestling ghosts, not you.
• Stop chasing silence — Chasing someone who shuts down only fuels their fear; it’s not closeness, it’s pressure.
• Rebuild emotional safety — Avoidants expect people to fail them—consistency is your quiet rebellion against their emotional wiring.
• Support without suffocating — You can encourage growth without triggering their panic button—avoidants need space, not a savior.
• Understanding vs. fixing — I compared it to blindfolded chess: learn their rules, or you’ll keep losing pieces.

14 Strategies for Dealing with an Avoidant Partner

1) Avoid chasing them

If a partner is avoiding, chasing them down will not make them want to be closer. It will just make them feel pressed and crammed.

Avoidants might be skilled at chasing, preferring partners who are frequently unavailable or equally avoidant of deeper emotions.

They, on the other hand, dislike being chased.

Sometimes, constantly chasing an avoidant partner could be a red flag—one of the early signs you’re not compatible, no matter how strong the chemistry feels.

2) Make sure you are reliable

If you want to persuade your avoidant partner to join you, you must be dependable. When it comes to attachment patterns, this one in particular expects individuals to fail them on a frequent basis.

If you say you’re going to do something, make sure you can back it up with your actions.
Yes, the world is filled of disappointments and let-downs, but you must make your relationship a safe haven for your avoidant partner.

You may also want to ground the connection with consistent presence and ask some intentional, deep questions to ask your partner—not to push closeness, but to build trust.

3) Be encouraging

It’s not a good idea to date avoidants; your partner may be aloof when it comes to intimacy, they may have an unhealthy fear of intimacy, and they will not hesitate to instigate conflict if they feel backed into a corner.

As I already stated, it is not perfect. Nonetheless, as long as you love each other, it is critical to be supportive while making changes.

Change is a difficult process for everyone, so image how difficult it is for avoidant people. As with pursuing, don’t push them while they’re changing; it will simply drive your partner away.

It makes no difference how strong you believe your attachment is; once they feel choked, they will return to extreme conduct.

So, encourage their personal development and accept the process.

4) Engage in a calm confrontation

If you become emotional with an avoidant, you will activate their flight mode. When discussing relationship concerns or even communicating your strong feelings, be cool rather than emotional.

This allows them to interact with you without triggering their early warning system of intimacy and/or rejection.

5) Avoid fading into the background.

Partners of people with an anxious attachment personality type may sometimes fade into the background of the relationship. At some point, it appears like their requirements are more important than yours.

You may keep quiet about your needs and emotions out of fear of offending them again or destroying any connection you two have.

Let them know what you require in terms of emotions, since if they continue to act out at the expense of your feelings, bitterness will develop. So, let go of your fear and look for positive ways to express yourself when the occasion arises.

6) Thank them for their efforts.

As difficult as it is to be with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, it is even more difficult for them to be in partnerships. Being in a relationship actually goes against their nature because they would rather not be companions with anyone.

Praise them when they do something you like or like. After all, who doesn’t appreciate a little praise now and then?

Couples who actively show appreciation—even in small ways—tend to thrive, and it’s actually a huge part of what happy couples do daily.

So, if your partner has an avoidant attachment type and goes against his or her nature to do something lovely for you, express your gratitude.

7) Do not attempt to change them.

We try harder than we’d like to admit; the truth is that everyone wants to shape their partner into their perfect fit. Cupid, on the other hand, has his own intentions.

When you fall in love with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, everything changes. It’s normal to want to pry and prod at everything they do, but your partner will immediately flee.

It’s easy to blur the lines between compromise and loving the wrong person—especially when your hopes begin to override your reality.

Instead, you should look for ways to mainstream closeness and expressiveness in relationships. They should see you as a source of comfort rather than a source of anxiety.

8) Establish your expectations

Couples frequently have unreasonable expectations of one another, especially while everything is still new and exciting. But you must remove your rose-colored glasses and view your partner for who they truly are.

Every relationship has ups and downs; someone with an avoidant attachment style will give you a run for your money.

Before proceeding with the relationship, both of you must recognize that you may have unrealistic expectations. As partners, you must let go of the fairytale and prepare to work hard.

Your avoidant partner may have envisioned a relationship in which the other person always meets their demands and can deal with their excesses.

You may, on the other hand, be looking for someone who is emotionally knowledgeable and sensitive—unaware of what triggers anxious attachment in both yourself and them.

Since you’re reading this, none of those things have occurred; yet, this does not signify the end of the relationship.

9) Change things up

Do you know what the most common killer of relationships is? Sticking to precise roles that you established as partners from the beginning will get you there. If you and your partner have gotten into the habit of playing a cat and mouse game, try switching it up every now and then.

Your partner is not the only one who requires space from time to time, so don’t continually let him leave to recharge at your expense. Go go and reward yourself to some space whenever you feel like it; it’s good for the soul.

Furthermore, he could want to get close and chase you instead. Whatever you need to change in your relationship, it might just work.

Is it a struggle to convince him to spend time with you?

Understanding males on a much deeper emotional level is the key to finding a solution.

With a few subtle comments you might make to him, you can actually modify the main reason why men react in this way.

Learn how to become his top priority in this free video by Relationship Psychologist James Bauer.

10) Recognize that you may not be your partner’s sole problem.

It’s easy to blame the relationship’s avoidant for everything that goes wrong. Relationships with an avoidant partner are plainly difficult. But consider this: what if you have concerns that you need to address?

What if you’re dealing with abandonment issues and transferring them onto your partner? If you’re hiding your own insecurity under seemingly harmless white lies in relationships, that avoidance will clash with theirs—fast.

Relationships are not for the faint of heart, and each partner brings their own set of challenges to the table. If you are struggling with abandonment issues, believing that your partner would fill the vacuum within you will not get you far.

It’s even worse if you have an avoidant partner since all of your clinginess and complicated emotions will turn them off.

Face your personal challenges head on, and your relationship will benefit as a result.

11) Be open to listen

It goes without saying that you must listen to your partner when they require assistance. When I say listen, I mean that you must sometimes just listen.

You’d understandably want to solve all of their problems and save them from the big dark world. However, there are times when all they really want is a listening ear.
Don’t try to fix everything since you can wind up driving them away.

They will eventually distance themselves from you and cease feeling safe enough to express themselves within the relationship. Consider pushing away a partner who is already emotionally distant; this will not end well.

12) Make sure you’re understanding.

There is no way to have a successful relationship unless you perceive yourselves as partners. It’s even more difficult when one of you is afraid of intimacy and building a strong connection with another person.

There will be times when you want to practically stare into the other person’s skull because their train of thought is almost incomprehensible.

So, in addition to being willing to listen to your partner when he or she has a complaint, try to be empathic. It may not all be evident to you, but understanding where they are coming from will help you navigate the relationship more effectively.

13) Seek for help.

It’s difficult to change your fundamental view of the universe when it emerges before your first memories.

Seeking professional assistance can assist you in learning to manage life without avoiding it entirely.

Important information

Being in a relationship with an avoidant partner can be challenging and emotionally draining.

14) Do not lose sight of yourself

You must understand that partnerships have the potential to drain all of your individuality. You end up caring so much about this other person and their wants that it consumes your entire personality.

So, while you’re working things out as a group, make time to pursue your interests.
You must join him in taking time to grow yourself, just as he must take time to develop himself. That is the only way to stay honest to yourself and, eventually, to each other. I know you don’t want to hear it, but if it doesn’t work out, you’ll be left with only yourself.

Make sure the person you’re left with isn’t a shredded, broken-down soul with no identity.

Aside from that, your relationship will profit from some individualism because you will be able to stand on your own two feet when your partner requires assistance, and vice versa. So, don’t be found wanting when it comes to personal strength and self-reliance.

My Personal Take

If you want the short answer? Stop trying to fix them—start learning how to read them. That’s the most honest way to deal with an avoidant partner: by shifting from rescue mode to understanding mode. Which sounds simple… until you’re the one waiting three days for a text after opening your heart.

Back at that seminar, the woman two seats down—the one who asked why her boyfriend disappeared every time she got close? She broke halfway through the break. Not loudly. She just stared at her coffee and whispered, “He told me I was the only one he ever felt safe with. Then ghosted me for five weeks.” That cracked me open. Because that is what avoidant attachment looks like: intimacy paired with invisibility.

What helped her wasn’t therapy twice a week. It was daily support. Real tools. That’s why I always recommend Relationship Hero’s online coaching 👈. It’s the fastest way I’ve seen people get real clarity—without the financial or emotional weight of traditional therapy. Just take their quiz. The right coach can change everything.

More useful hints for dealing with an avoidant partner

Understand (& respect) their needs

This is related to empathy, especially if you don’t mind being linked at the hip. The truth is that your partner will require frequent breaks, and as a result, they will retreat into their shell far more frequently than you are comfortable with.

You must be able to respect this requirement so that they can relax even more.

Sometimes, avoidants can show affection in ways that look distant or reserved—raising questions about whether it’s even love without physical attraction, or something deeper we’re not used to recognizing.

Don’t complain, just ask

It’s all too simple to cross the line and start complaining instead of resolving issues calmly. If you want to keep your relationship strong, ask for help when you need it. Complaining only drives them away.

Realize It’s Not About You

When an avoidant partner tries to keep distance from you, it frequently feels personal.

Remembering that it has nothing to do with you as a person and everything to do with their early childhood attachment could help you be more sensitive to their responses to love and affection.

Remember that your avoidant partner is harsher on themselves than you can possibly be.

Don’t abuse their trust

Trust is extremely crucial to avoidants; you’d be shocked how important it is. So, no matter how little they have finally opened up to you, don’t take it for granted.

Consider it a sliver of light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. It takes a lot of effort on their part, so be grateful and work your way up.

Accept the fact that you are different.

Even if we have something in common, we are all as unique as our fingerprints. If you want to succeed in any relationship, this is one reality you must understand. When it comes to certain concerns, your partner may go faster or slower than you.

FAQs

How do you approach someone who has avoidant attachment?

Don’t take it personally right away; it’s more about them than it is about you. Listen to them even if they don’t say much, and try not to offer solutions all the time. At the heart of it all, make sure you respect each other’s differences, because there will be many of them.

Can avoidants fall in love?

Yes, persons with an avoidant attachment style can fall in love, but it will be a slow and steady relationship. Avoidant partners, you see, are quite hesitant to open up to anyone, whether it’s a loved one or someone else in their social circle. Overall, they take their time, so don’t take it personally.

Can avoidants have happy relationships?

Although it may appear difficult, people with an anxious attachment style can have successful relationships. The key to developing this type of relationship is to first respect one another. You must also accept your avoidant partner while acknowledging your own demands.

How can an avoidant express love?

If you continue to receive conflicting signals, you have an avoidant partner who wants to keep you around because they care. Sure, your partner may not be comfortable with any form of emotional connection, but they will offer mixed signals to provide the appearance of intimacy.

Do avoidants miss their ex?

It is not completely out of the question; avoidants may eventually grow more self-aware. They may begin to miss an ex once they have moved over the sense of being smothered or choked by fondness. However, they feel as if they have avoided all of the ‘icky’ sentiments and physical connection that you attempted to ‘push’ on them.

Conclusion

When it comes to attachment styles, the anxious-avoidant is the most exhausting. It’s difficult to know if they want to be in a relationship, which might lead to heartbreak. It’s not as difficult as you think if you know how to cope with your partner.

With that said, I hope this post provided you with some useful knowledge.

Please leave a comment in the space below. Even better, share this with someone who needs advice on how to live with an avoidant partner.