Are you familiar with statements like these, and how many times have they caused conflict in your life?
“You are constantly working. You value your work more than your family.”
“It’s frustrating when I come home and the house is messy.”
“Like you always do, you embarrassed me over dinner the other night.”
Housework, priority, and money disagreements are nothing new. Indeed, these are weekly issues for many couples.
That is why “I-statements” are so crucial. Choosing the appropriate words during an argument might mean the difference between resolving your problems and exacerbating them. When you alter your words, you change your life, and this is especially true in relationships.
Even if you have the best of intentions, what you say can turn a disagreement into a full-fledged brawl and cause serious harm to the person you care about.
One of the most prevalent linguistic errors made by people in relationships is the usage of “you-statements” rather than sentences structured as “I-feel statements.”
This article defines “I feel” statements, explains how to use them, and explains why they are useful in communication. It also discusses how people might use these feeling statements and potential pitfalls to avoid.
If you’re curious about the nature of your relationship, check out our article about the different types of relationships and how to deal with them.
What exactly is an “I-Statement”?
An “I-statement” forces us to accept responsibility for our thoughts and feelings and keeps us from blaming our partners. We can still be aggressive while utilizing “I-statements,” but in a less antagonistic, more empathetic manner.
Tone of voice, which includes vocal inflection, volume, and pitch, is a vital piece of the communication puzzle that we frequently overlook. “I-feel statements” aid in preventing miscommunication, which can occur when one partner adopts an accusatory tone of speech.
What is a “You-Statement” instead?
“You-statements,” on the other hand, are phrases that begin with the word “you” and imply that the listener is in charge of something.
They show no emotional ownership, instead blaming, accusing, and assuming the receiver. This type of statement is more likely to make your spouse defensive and resentful, making him or her less inclined to want to make up.
You may like: Do I Need a Relationship Coach? 10 Reasons You May Need One (And Why You May Not)
How “You-Statements” and “I-Statements” work (The Psychology behind)
According to research, “I-statements” lessen aggression and defensiveness while “you-statements” can elicit wrath. It is now widely understood that using “I-statements” in relationships and even at work leads to better communication. But why is this so?
“You-statements” give the impression that you are punishing your partner. People instinctively get defensive when they feel threatened. It’s built into our DNA. You’re either attempting to make them feel as awful as you do or trying to get them to change by pointing out what they’ve done wrong or how they’ve made you feel disturbed, sad, or angry.
Neither is necessary for the development of a healthy relationship.
You’re encouraging wrath from your partner rather than a productive answer.
An “I-statement,” on the other hand, demonstrates personal responsibility. It states that you are not blaming your partner for how you feel since he or she is not acting or speaking in the way you would desire.
When you use “I-statements,” you accept responsibility for your role in the conflict and demonstrate an openness to deep listening and settlement.
Also, learn why these deep questions to ask your partner are so important.
Examples of “I-Statements”
If you’re not used to using “I-statements,” they can be tough to employ. These “I-statement examples” will assist you.
- “I was lonely all week since you didn’t come home to eat supper with me.”
- “When I don’t hear from you, I get anxious, and I just want to know that you’re okay and safe.”
- “I felt incredibly humiliated in front of our friends the other night when this topic came up, because…”
- “I’m perplexed and hurt when you leave your clothing on the floor since I thought I had conveyed how vital it was that you put them in the washing basket.”
- “I feel resentful when you take our dog to the dog park without me on weekends when we haven’t spent time together in weeks.”
Crafting “I-Statements”
So, how do you go from a “you-statement” to an “I-statement”?
To begin, keep in mind that the purpose of a “I-statement” is to describe how you feel on the inside.
That’s why they’re typically referred to as “I-feel statements.”
A true “I-statement” expresses feelings such as “I feel…” cheerful, nervous, lonely, resentful, furious, calm, humiliated, afraid, and so on.
Avoid words that appear to be emotions but actually suggest your partner’s action: “I feel…” neglected, annoyed, pissed off, mistreated, manipulated, controlled, cheated, abandoned, and so on.
It’s also a popular misconception that you can add the words “I feel” before a “you-statement.”
“I feel like you’re taking me for granted,” for example. That’s just a “you-statement” disguised as a question. It indicates blame, but no actual feeling is expressed.
How to use “I-statements” in your relationship
When your emotions are overwhelming and you want to strike out at your partner, using “I-feel statements” works best. When you first start using them, explain to your spouse what you’re trying to achieve and confess that you might not get it right the first time.
Try to be as gentle as possible, and remember that the tone of your voice is just as important, if not more important, than the words you use. Remember the “I-statement” examples from before and try to pinpoint the emotion you’re experiencing and where it’s coming from. Admit if you have a trigger from the past that is influencing how you feel and causing you to overreact.
Consider how to adapt your language during the following frequent disagreements to help you better grasp how to turn a “you-statement” into a “I-statement”:
Applying “I-statements” in therapy
The best “I-statement” examples are frequently seen in therapy settings – in fact, this is where the word originated! In person-centered therapy, you’ll frequently hear the therapist question, “How does it make you feel?” In the 1940s, Carl Rogers pioneered this therapy, but it was his pupil Thomas Gordon who developed the term “I-statement.”
In one-on-one counseling, “I-feel statements” can help you identify and accept your true feelings, which are typically repressed or disregarded. You’ll understand that you can “take charge of your consistent emotions and begin to consciously and purposefully modify your daily experience of life,” as Tony puts it. You have no control over how others behave. You have power over your emotions.
“I-statements” are one of the first things you’ll learn in couples counseling. These types of statements may be the only method for each partner to express themselves in order to de-escalate tension.
You don’t have to go to therapy to understand the difference between “you-statements” and “I-statements” and start using them in your relationship. It may feel awkward at first, but after you and your spouse get into the habit, you’ll notice positive improvements that will propel your relationship to new heights.
Conclusion: How “I Statements” Work
Learning how to employ “I feel” statements can help you enhance your communication skills, especially if you are dealing with challenging talks or disagreement. While it may be difficult at first, you may discover that this method becomes more natural with time.
While there is no guarantee that the other person will respond positively, using feeling statements reduces the likelihood that the conversation will devolve into antagonism and disagreement.
What if a relationship coach could help you?
Talking to a relationship coach can be very helpful if you are looking for specific advice regarding your situation.
This is something I have personally experienced…
When I was going through a tough patch in my relationship, I reached out to Relationship Hero. The insights they gave me into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track were invaluable for me after being lost in my thoughts for so long.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a website where highly trained relationship coaches guide people through difficult times in their love lives.
You can receive tailor-made advice for your specific situation within minutes by connecting with a certified relationship coach.
Despite being new to coaching, I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and helpful my coach was.
Take advantage of our exclusive $50 off offer for Sons Of Universe readers.
You may also like:
Loving Someone with Avoidant Attachment (Understanding & Navigating the Patterns)
Is Your Partner Too Jealous? 14 Telltale Signs They’re Out of Control
