Some people fear spiders. I used to panic at the thought of someone saying “I love you”—no joke, full-body freeze. That reaction wasn’t quirky or mysterious; it was the emotional armor of someone who didn’t know how to let connection feel safe. I didn’t figure out how to heal avoidant attachment style overnight—but what cracked it open for me was something unexpected I heard at a psychology seminar. I’ll share that story later—it changed the way I see intimacy forever.
I’m Claire Delli Santi, senior editor at Sons of Universe, and if you’ve ever felt smothered by love, this is for you.
If untangling your attachment style has you curious about how connections work, you’ll love this deeper dive into relationship types.
Top Takeaways
Before we go further, here are 5 unexpected truths about avoidant attachment healing you’ll actually remember next week.
- Root cause clarity: Most avoidant behaviors begin in childhood—often without trauma, just subtle emotional neglect.
- Emotional shutdown signs: Avoidants don’t just fear closeness—they often numb out during intimacy and don’t know why.
- Real rewiring steps: Healing starts with small exposure to emotional discomfort—not grand gestures or forced vulnerability.
- Claire’s personal take: Like holding your breath underwater—healing means staying just a little longer before surfacing.
- Fast-track transformation: Online coaching works without the time cost of therapy.
What exactly is an avoidant attachment style?
The avoidant attachment style falls under the insecure attachment category.
In both platonic and romantic relationships, attachment style outlines how people connect with one another.
People who have an avoidant attachment style aim to steer clear of emotional suffering and they do so by sealing themselves off to connection with others. They have a hard time becoming emotionally connected with others, which makes loving someone avoidant feel confusing and one-sided.
They are frequently perceived as highly independent, sometimes to the point where autonomy in relationships becomes a barrier to intimacy.
They can be seen as givers in their inability to confront situations. This can have a benefit of appearing to be trying in a relationship, yet distancing themselves. This ultimately exhausts them and overwhelms them to the point of poor me.
Says experienced psychologist Dr. Sandra Smith-Hanen
What causes avoidant attachment?
While there are numerous causes of avoidant attachment style in adults, the majority of them stem from infancy. As hypothesized in attachment theory, young toddlers learn how to relate to others through their caregivers.
As babies and young children grow in their comprehension of the world, they absorb the relationships they encounter.
An avoidant attachment style in adulthood may result from parents who aren’t extremely involved in their child’s life.
Parents may discourage their children from expressing their needs through weeping, talking, or grasping for items – they may even do this through punishment, maybe punishment that the youngster does not understand.
This teaches children that emotional closeness often leads to rejection or punishment—classic signs of early attachment wounds.
This teaches youngsters that connections are untrustworthy and frequently result in rejection, suffering, or punishment.
What symptoms indicate avoidant attachment? 4 signs to look for
Not all avoidant behavior appears the same because of the differences in each person’s characteristics and circumstances. Yet, here are some of the most prevalent indications of avoidant attachment:
They prefer to be alone and to follow their own habits.
Having an avoidant attachment style does not imply that they do not want to be around others; many people with avoidant attachment types are extroverts who enjoy social gatherings. They don’t mind being alone, though. They are not upset if they are not in a relationship. That means they are free to pursue their own interests—especially in ways that go beyond surface chemistry or conventional expectations.
They have difficulty discussing or expressing their emotions.
When they are in relationships, it can be difficult for them to express their feelings. Even if they adore their spouse or partners, they may be unable to express their feelings. Intimacy is based on vulnerability, which is unfamiliar to them.
In their effort to avoid conflicts, they have avoided intimacy. They can feel numb to a partner’s needs. Messages become jumbled and can eventually almost stop being taken in by the avoidant person.
Continues Dr. Smith-Hanen on dealing with avoidant attachment.
They cut off the connection without explanation.
People with avoidant attachment styles will occasionally end a relationship for no apparent cause. They may be shielding themselves from an assumed rejection, even if that notion is false. In their views, getting close to someone causes agony or anguish, which they do not want to feel.
They have a bad attitude about other people.
While persons with avoidant attachment styles have high self-confidence (due to their independent streaks!), they may not have high regard for others. Especially in nontraditional dynamics, they’ll grumble about people or pass unfair judgment without realizing it.
These behaviors are frequently performed unconsciously, attachment patterns are automatic and occur without thought or decision; they are a way of life rather than a choice.
Individuals with avoidant attachment styles are not wicked or self-centered; rather, they have learnt to adjust their lives to their emotional environments. They might even be as perplexed as you are by some of their actions!
How do you heal avoidant attachment?
There are strategies to change your attachment style so that it is more trusting and secure. Here are some suggestions to help you heal your avoidant attachment style:
1) Start communicating.
At their heart, someone with avoidant attachment has a fear of expressing powerful emotions or appearing out of control. As a result, being able to discuss problems in a relationship freely and honestly is essential for co-regulating emotions. Both spouses should strive for clear communication so that they can discuss problems without fear of being judged. Adults with avoidant attachment will eventually realize that talking about their feelings is preferable to suppressing them.
2) Go across time.
Spend some time reflecting about your upbringing and how you were raised. You may learn something from your recollections, such as why you prefer to interact with people the way you do.
3) Get outside of your comfort zone.
If your comfort zone excludes other individuals, challenge yourself to step outside of it. Deep questions can help you get to know one or two people on a deeper level. Even if you start to feel like you’d rather be alone, try to keep engaging with them. Pay attention to how you feel while doing this and ask yourself why you feel that way.
4) Cultivate empathy
We know you’re self-sufficient, but what do you know about other people? Getting to know someone well is a terrific way to cultivate empathy. Where did they grow up? What kind of music do they listen to, and why? Who do they look up to? You might discover that other people are trustworthy if you learn more about them.
5) Get the assistance of a therapist.
Counseling is a terrific approach for you to discover out your harmful ways of self-regulating as well as why you’re doing it. Together with a therapist, you may go through your attachment triggers and come up with some healthy strategies to deal with your feelings that won’t harm you or your relationship.
Those who desire to understand more about themselves can benefit greatly from seeing a therapist. Many therapists include attachment theory into their client sessions, urging them to reflect on past relationships and the lessons they’ve learned.
After some rocky relationships conflicts, I found I needed to better myself and started doing a lot of reading, research …in the end, a lot of self-care and self-acceptance is what truly helped me healing
Writes contributor Christine C. Mcnabb on Quora.
My Personal Take
Here’s my take: the way forward begins with staying in the discomfort just a little longer than you normally would. That moment when you feel like disappearing, shutting down, brushing it off with a joke? That’s your cue to pause instead. Breathe. Let the connection itch a little. You’re not dying—you’re healing.
I’ll never forget what one woman shared at a seminar I attended. She said, “He told me he loved me… and my first instinct was to break up.” Not because she didn’t love him back—but because her nervous system couldn’t handle being that seen. That story haunted me. I saw versions of her everywhere: readers who ghost, partners who bolt after intimacy, people who “don’t do feelings.” Healing an avoidant attachment style isn’t about becoming someone else—it’s about learning to stay when you want to run.
If you’re serious about doing this faster (without the cost or time of traditional therapy), I genuinely recommend Relationship Hero. Their coaches are smart, warm, and results-focused. It’s my go-to resource—access an exclusive offer via my link.
Healing from Avoidant Attachment Style? Speak to a Therapist Now
Adults may benefit from attachment-based therapy to address their attachment style, understand their childhood experiences, and build healing connections with individuals they care about. Families with children may also be able to benefit from attachment-based therapy.
If you’re interested in this sort of treatment, try reaching out to a therapist specializing in attachment theory to learn more about your options and receive empathetic assistance.
Because of the lower cost, better convenience, and flexible scheduling methods, more people are turning to virtual therapy platforms like BetterHelp to seek treatment for mental heal concerns. Via the site, you may make your own schedule and pick between phone, video, and live chat sessions.
In addition to the advantages of online counseling, you may find it to be more beneficial than in-person counselling. According to one study, 71% of participants favored internet-based therapy approaches over traditional ones, and some reported improved quality of life and symptom reduction.
