Attachment styles & relationships: what style am I? + how they develop

Why are some people distant and disconnected in their relationships, but others are needy and require continual validation?

The cause could be the attachment style you acquired as an infant with your primary caregiver.

Here is all you need to know about the four attachment styles, how they develop in childhood, and how to cultivate a secure attachment style to create stronger, healthier bonds.

If you’re curious about the nature of your relationship, check out our article about the different types of relationships and how to deal with them.

What exactly are attachment styles?

Attachment, or the attachment bond, is the emotional link you made as a newborn with your primary caregiver, most likely your mother.

Attachment theory, which was developed by British psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychologist Mary Ainsworth, says that the way you bond with your first partner often affects how well you get along with other people and how you react to closeness throughout your life.

Your primary caretaker likely developed a successful, secure attachment to you if they responded to your cries and accurately understood your changing needs as an infant. 

As an adult, this usually translates into self-assurance, trust, and optimism, as well as the ability to manage conflict, respond to intimacy, and negotiate the ups and downs of love relationships.

If your caregiver was unable to consistently comfort you or respond to your demands during your infancy, you are more likely to have had a failed or insecure attachment.

Babies with insecure attachment frequently grow into adults who struggle to understand their own emotions as well as the emotions of others, restricting their ability to form or sustain solid relationships.

In a relationship, they may struggle to connect with others, avoid intimacy, or be overly clinging, fearful, or anxious.

Of course, experiences that occur between birth and adulthood can also impact and form our relationships.

In spite of this, the attachment bond is so profoundly influenced by the infant brain that understanding your attachment style can help you resolve relationship problems. 

Perhaps you behave in perplexing or self-destructive ways when you’re in a close relationship?

Maybe you make the same mistakes repeatedly?

Or perhaps you find it difficult to make meaningful connections in the first place?

Whatever your individual relationship troubles, it’s crucial to realize that your brain remains capable of change throughout life.

By defining your attachment style, you can learn to challenge your anxieties, establish a more securely attached way of relating to others, and build stronger, healthier, and more meaningful relationships.

Attachment styles: how they influence adult relationships

Attachment styles or types are defined by the behavior displayed in a relationship, particularly when that relationship is challenged.

When faced with relationship troubles, someone with a secure attachment style may be able to openly discuss their feelings and seek support.

On the other side, people with insecure attachment styles may become needy or clinging in their closest relationships, act selfishly or manipulatively when feeling vulnerable, or just avoid connection entirely.

Knowing how your attachment style shapes and influences your intimate relationships can help you make sense of your own behavior, how you see your partner, and how you respond to intimacy.

Recognizing these patterns can then assist you in clarifying what you require in a relationship and the best strategy to resolve issues.

It’s important to note that attachment styles are not solely determined by parental love and how well an infant is cared for, especially in the first year. 

Attachment is instead based on nonverbal emotional exchange between caregiver and infant.

Infants communicate their feelings by crying, cooing, or later pointing and smiling. A caregiver responds to the child’s needs for food, comfort, or affection by reading and interpreting these cues. 

A secure attachment forms when this nonverbal communication is successful.

Socioeconomic characteristics like as wealth, education, ethnicity, or culture have no bearing on the success of attachment.

Neither is having an insecure attachment style as an adult a reason to blame all of your relationship issues on your parent.

Your personality and intervening experiences during childhood, adolescence, and adult life might also play a part in shaping your attachment style.

You may like: How to heal avoidant attachment style: 5 critical steps you should know

Which of the 4 adult attachment styles am I?

1. Anxious (also referred to as Ambivalent)
2. Avoidant (also referred to as Dismissive or Anxious-Avoidant)
3. Disorganized attachment (also referred to as Fearful-Avoidant)
4. Secure attachment

1) Secure attachment style: the signs

Empathetic and able to set appropriate boundaries, people with secure attachment tend to feel comfortable, stable, and more pleased in their close relationships. They don’t mind being alone, but they typically thrive in intimate, meaningful relationships.

How secure attachment style affects adult relationships

Having a secure attachment style does not imply that you are perfect or that you are free from relationship troubles. Yet, you are probably secure enough to accept responsibility for your own mistakes and inadequacies, and you are willing to seek help and support when necessary from a therapist or relationship coach.

• You value your own self-worth and can be yourself in an intimate relationship. You’re at ease expressing your emotions, hopes, and needs.

• You enjoy being with people and openly seek support and comfort from your partner, but you are not particularly concerned when the two of you are away.

• You’re equally content for your partner to rely on you for assistance.

• You can retain emotional balance and pursue healthy dispute resolution in a close relationship.

• You’re resilient enough to bounce back when faced with disappointment, setbacks, and misfortune in your relationships and other aspects of your life.

You may like: Loving Someone with Avoidant Attachment (Understanding & Navigating the Patterns)

Relationship with the primary caregiver

In contrast to someone with a secure attachment style, your primary caregiver likely managed their own stress well as well as calmed and soothed you as an infant. 

They consistently made you feel safe and secure, connected with you through emotion, and responded to your shifting needs, allowing your nervous system to become “securely attached.”

Of course, no parent or caregiver is flawless, and no one can be entirely present and attentive to a newborn 24 hours a day. In truth, that’s not necessary to develop secure attachment in a youngster.

Yet, if your caregiver missed your nonverbal indications, it’s probable that they continued to try to find out what you needed, thereby maintaining the secure attachment process.

You were able to be self-confident, trusting, hopeful, and comfortable in the face of conflict as a youngster because of the strong foundation of a secure attachment bond.

Secure or insecure?

Some people may identify with some but not all of the features of secure attachment. Even if your relationships are generally solid, you may have distinct patterns of behavior or thought that generate conflict with your partner and must be actively addressed.

Start by determining whether you can identify with any of the three insecure attachment styles listed below.

2) Anxious attachment style: the signs

Individuals with an ambivalent attachment style (also known as “anxious-preoccupied,” “ambivalent-anxious,” or simply “anxious attachment”) are highly needy. People with this attachment style are frequently anxious and uncertain, with low self-esteem, as the labels imply.

They seek emotional contact yet are concerned that others may reject them.

You may like: What triggers anxious attachment? 15 causes to watch out for

How adult relationships are impacted by ambivalent attachment style

Your constant need for love and attention might make you feel embarrassed if you have an ambivalent attachment style. 

Alternatively, you may be worn down by dread and concern about whether your partner truly loves you.

• You want to be in a relationship and seek connection and intimacy with a significant other, yet you don’t trust or totally rely on your partner.
  

• Being in an intimate relationship tends to take over your life and cause you to become overly obsessed on the other person.
  

• You may struggle to set boundaries, interpreting space between you as a threat that might cause panic, anger, or worry that your partner no longer wants you.
  

• Whenever you’re away from your partner, you may use guilt, controlling behavior, or other manipulation tactics in order to keep them close.
  

• Your sense of self-worth is heavily influenced by how you believe you are being treated in the relationship, and you tend to overreact to any perceived threats to the relationship.
  

• You require frequent reassurance and your partner’s undivided attention.
  

• Some may criticize you for being excessively needy or clinging, and it may be difficult for you to sustain intimate relationships.

Relationship with the primary caregiver

It’s likely that your parents or primary caregivers were inconsistent in their parenting styles, engaging sometimes and unavailable at other times. 

This inconsistency may have made you feel anxious and unclear about whether your demands in this “first” relationship would be met, and so serve as a model for your conduct in subsequent relationships.

3) Avoidant attachment style: the signs

Individuals with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style are diametrically opposed to those who are ambivalent or anxiously preoccupied. Instead of desiring intimacy, they are so afraid of contact that they shun emotional connection with others.

They’d prefer not rely on others or be reliant on others.

Adult relationships and Avoidant Attachment Style

You often find it difficult to accept emotional connection if you have an avoidant-dismissive attachment style. You love your independence and freedom so much that intimacy and closeness in a romantic relationship might make you feel uncomfortable, if not suffocated.

• The more someone attempts to approach you or the more dependent a relationship becomes, the more you recede.
  

• You are an independent person who is content to care for yourself and does not believe you require the assistance of others.
  

• Intimacy and close relationships are essential to our well-being, regardless of what you may think. People are hardwired for connection, and we all desire a close meaningful relationship if only we could overcome our deep-seated fears of intimacy.
  

• You’re insecure about your feelings, and your partners frequently accuse you of being distant and closed off, rigid and intolerant. In return, you accuse them of being too needy.
  

• In order to reclaim your sense of freedom, you are likely to underestimate or dismiss your partner’s feelings, conceal secrets from them, indulge in affairs, and even end relationships.
  

• You may prefer short-term, casual relationships to long-term intimate ones, or you may seek for partners who are as independent, keeping their emotional distance.

Relationship with the primary caregiver

An avoidant-dismissive (also known as anxious-avoidant) attachment style frequently arises from a parent who was inaccessible or rejecting throughout your infancy.

Your caregiver never met your needs in a regular or predictable way, so you had to emotionally pull away and try to calm yourself. 

This laid the groundwork for later in life avoiding intimacy and desiring independence—even when that independence and lack of intimacy creates its own misery.

4) Disorganized Attachment Style: the signs

A disorganized/disoriented attachment, also known as fearful-avoidant attachment, often develops as a result of childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. These adults feel unworthy of love or closeness in a relationship due to their insecure attachment style.

The impact of a disorganized attachment style on adult relationships

If you have a disorganized attachment style, you’ve likely never learned to self-soothe your emotions, so both relationships and the environment around you can feel terrifying and unsafe.

If you experienced abuse as a child, you may strive to imitate the same harmful patterns of conduct as an adult.

• You most likely find intimate relationships perplexing and disturbing, frequently oscillating between emotional extremes of love and hatred for a partner.
  

• There is a chance that you are selfish, controlling, and untrustworthy, which can result in explosive or abusive behavior. As you are hard on others, you can be equally hard on yourself.
  

• You may engage in antisocial or bad behavior patterns, abuse alcohol or drugs, or be aggressive or violent.
  

• People may be appalled by your failure to accept responsibility for your conduct.
  

• Abuse, neglect, or trauma may have shaped your childhood.
  

• You want the stability and protection of a deep, intimate relationship, yet you also feel unworthy of love and afraid of being harmed again.

Relationship between the primary caregiver

If your primary caregiver has unresolved trauma, it might contribute to the strong fear associated with a disorganized/disoriented attachment style.

As an infant, the parent frequently served as both a source of dread and comfort for you, contributing to the confusion and disorientation you feel about relationships now.

In other circumstances, your parental figure may have ignored or overlooked your needs as a baby, or their erratic, chaotic conduct could have been frightening or distressing to you.

Insecure attachment: what are the causes?

There are numerous reasons why even a caring, conscientious parent may fail to establish a secure attachment bond with a newborn. Your insecure attachment could be caused by:

• Your caregiver suffered from depression as a result of isolation, a lack of social support, or hormonal issues, prompting them to withdraw from the caring position.

• Because of their addiction to alcohol or other substances, your primary caregiver was unable to appropriately interpret or respond to your physical or emotional requirements.

• Having a young or inexperienced mother who lacks the necessary parenting abilities.

• Traumatic events, such as a terrible sickness or an accident, might disrupt the attachment

• Often changing environment. For example, as a child, you frequently moved between foster homes and orphanages.

• Physical neglect includes poor nutrition, insufficient exercise, and failure to address medical conditions.

• Neglect or emotional abuse. For example, your caregiver paid little attention to you as a youngster, made little effort to understand your feelings, or verbally abused you.

• Abuse, whether physical or sexual, can result in physical harm or a violation.

• Separation from your primary caregiver due to illness, death, divorce, or adoption.

• The primary caregiver’s inconsistent behavior. For example, you may have had a string of nannies or daycare employees.

Attachment styles: a personal experience

When describing his attachment style, here’s what what Quora contributor Adam Richard says:

I absolutely identify as an anxiously attached person.

When I attach to someone, I attach way too hard. It’s almost like a drug to me.

Strangely, I don’t do this all the time. It only appears once in a while.

It obviously has something to do with my feeling acknowledged and special.

Maybe I’m feeling very lonely right before meeting someone to whom I’m attracted? I’m still trying to figure that one out.

It frequently causes me to live in my own fantasy land.

I have showed anxious-avoidant tendencies at times too, although less frequently.

When that happens, I get anxious around the person and look for any indication, no matter how little, that they secretly dislike me.

In terms of not being overly involved, I actually feel like I’m doing very well right now.

I just need to be cautious enough to recognize indicators of me getting too attached to someone should I sense it coming on again.

If that ever happens again, I’m going to say something about it so it’s out there.

It’s preferable to do so than to keep it a secret. This makes it worse and more agonizing.

Seeking help for insecure attachment in your relationship.

Whether you detect an insecure attachment style in yourself or your love partner, it’s vital to know that you don’t have to accept the same attitudes, expectations, or patterns of behavior throughout life.

It is possible to alter your attachment style as an adult and become more secure.

Working one-on-one with a therapist or in couples counselling with your present spouse can be extremely beneficial.

A therapist knowledgeable in attachment theory can help you make sense of your past emotional experience and become more secure, either on your own or as a pair.

If you do not have access to suitable therapy, there are many things you may do on your own to develop a more secure attachment style.

To start, understand all you can about your insecure attachment style.

The more you learn, the better you’ll be able to spot — and change — the reflexive attitudes and actions of insecure attachment that may be contributing to your relationship troubles.

These tips can also help you move to a more secure attachment style in relationships.

1) Improve your self-esteem.

Poor self-esteem is a prevalent trait across all insecure attachment styles. Learn to embrace, value, love, and care for yourself first.

If you have difficulty understanding what self-love is because you were ignored, abused, and disregarded as a child, you can begin with self-tolerance and self-neutrality.

This can look like, ‘I’m a person, and everyone deserves to be appreciated’ instead of pressuring yourself with hollow phrases of, ‘I’m lovely and wonderful.’

2) Establish relationships with people who are emotionally secure.

Being in a relationship with someone who also has an insecure attachment style can result in a relationship that is out of sync at best, unstable, confused, or even painful at worst.

While you can work through your anxieties as a relationship, if you’re single, looking for a partner with a secure attachment style might assist move you away from negative thinking and behavior patterns.

A good, supportive relationship with someone who makes you feel loved might help you feel more secure.

Figures vary, but 50 to 60 percent of people have a secure attachment style, so there’s a decent chance of meeting a romantic partner who can help you overcome your concerns.

Similarly, building deep friendships with these people can assist you in recognizing and adopting new patterns of behavior.

3) Enhance your nonverbal communication abilities.

In attachment theory, one of the most important lessons learned is how key nonverbal forms of communication are to the success of adult relationships.

Although you may not realize it, when you interact with others, you are continuously sending and receiving wordless signals through gestures, posture, and eye contact. Nonverbal cues communicate strong emotional messages.

Developing your ability to read, understand, and communicate nonverbally at any age can help you strengthen and deepen your relationships with others.

You can learn to strengthen these talents by being present in the moment, learning to manage stress, and gaining emotional awareness.

4) Develop emotional intelligence

EQ (emotional quotient) can be used to empathize with your partner as well as to communicate more effectively and handle conflict more effectively.

Developing emotional intelligence can assist deepen a love relationship as well as improve your reading and nonverbal communication skills.

By understanding your emotions and how to control them, you’ll be better able to explain your wants and sentiments to your partner, as well as comprehend how your partner is truly feeling.

FAQs

• What are attachment styles? Attachment styles are behavioral patterns that develop in childhood and have a lasting impact on our adult relationships. They determine how we form and maintain bonds with others.
  
  
• How many attachment styles are there? There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. These styles reflect different ways of relating to others and expressing emotions.
  
  
• Can someone have multiple attachment styles? Yes, it is possible for individuals to exhibit traits from multiple attachment styles. However, one style usually dominates, influencing their overall approach to relationships.
  
  
• How long does it take to develop a secure attachment? The time it takes to develop a secure attachment varies from person to person. It depends on various factors, such as past experiences, personal growth, and the quality of current relationships.
  
  
• How can I change my attachment style? Changing one’s attachment style is possible but requires self-awareness and effort. It involves understanding and challenging underlying beliefs, developing healthy communication and relationship skills, and seeking therapy or professional support if needed. Focusing on personal boundaries and needs is also crucial in the process of changing attachment styles.

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